Subway - Subpar?
Travelling about, as I do, I’m always on the lookout for cheap, easy to access places to eat. Sadly, many places are out of reach - you can see ‘em, you can smell ‘em, but you can’t get to them without parking fucking miles away, or paying in a fucking car park. For this reason I rarely get to pick up a Subway, which is a shame because they are pretty fucking awesome stomach filling packs of tasty goodness.
Today I found my first Subway with - get this - a fucking car park! Yee-fucking-Har! Well, I say car park, it’s more like a small strip of tarmac good for leaving the wheelie bins on - not much to look at, but plenty good for 2 minutes while I get a foot long stuff-yer-face-sub. Yum.
Thatcham on the A4 is the location of this food lovers paradise…a town never before brought to my consciousness. This is probably due to it’s utter pointlessness - who wants to go some outskirts-of-the-real-town-kind-of-town without any decent transport connections?
- Airport? Nope.
- Port? Nope, although there may be a spot of footpath by a stream somewhere that you can tie your dinghy up to.
- Motorway? Nope, it’s several miles to the North with no junctions.
- Main road? Yep, the A4, but it’s filled with speed cameras, speed limits, traffic lights & fucking cyclists.
- Railway station? Oh yeah. A taxi ride from the town centre - what’s the fucking point in that?
Despite all this, Thatcham has been an instant entry on my “Places Tuchuk Likes” list. All thanks to Subway. Well done Subway.
“Hold the fucking horses old bean!” I hear you scream “What’s with the ’sub-par’ but of the headline then eh?”
Good point me ol’ muckers. I nearly forgot about that bit.
Now, I’m sure you’ve all seen the adverts for the new “Reggae Reggae” sub & the “pizza” sub. Personally, I have little interest in the Reggae Reggae subs because I think the music is shit.
On the hand, I do love Pizza though, so I’ve been on the lookout for an opportunity to stuff my face with one of these for a while. Aldershot (AKA Old ‘n’ Shot) & Basingstoke (AKA Amazing-Stoke & Basing-Grad) were both possibilities but on the occasions I had to visit those fine towns (that was sarcasm) I required the use of a larger vehicle than a motorbike so I couldn’t pick one up due to the usual “no where to stop the vehicle” problem.
Finally, I got the opportunity in Thatcham today. I ordered up the foot-long-pizza-sub-yes-please-yum-yum whilst smacking my lips with pleasure. “Toasted?” - yeah, why not, whatever normally gets done with the pizza one. “Cheese?”. I had to think about that one. Very politely I answered “Yes please”. I will never know why I didn’t say “Have you ever eaten a pizza without cheese? - and don’t tell me you don’t eat pizza, ‘cos you must do fat-chick - I KNOW that belly didn’t magic itself up you know!” which was a shame, as I’ve been waiting to use that line for a LONG LONG time. I also don’t know why I just stood there with a sinking feeling in my stomach as I saw the cheap shot sub that was being prepared.
Here is the cooking list if you ever fancy a career is fast food retail:
- Get sub, slice length-wise.
- Get ladle of sauce from the “meatball marinara”.
- Spread sauce as thinly as possible over the sub.
- Do not make embarrassing eye-contact with customer.
- Put slice of pepperoni on the sauce.
- Ask customer if he would like cheese.
- Do not make embarrassing eye-contact with customer.
- Ask customer if he would like salad.
- Do not make embarrassing eye-contact with customer.
- Mumble price.
- Do not make embarrassing eye-contact with customer.
- Do not make embarrassing eye-contact with customer some more.
- Do not make embarrassing eye-contact with customer. I mean it.
Hey - Subway martketeers. I have a great plan for your next advertising campaign - do a “Ham n Cheese Toasty” sub. Yeah, just bung some ham in, nothing else. Cheese only if the customer asks for it. Then put some salad in it just like cheese n ham toasties should have. Oh wait…
Pizza sub - Meatball marinara without the meatballs.
But you can have some pepperoni. Cheese if you’re the sort of weirdo that likes cheese on your pizza. Oh, and hey, have some salad, it’ll be just like a fucking Dominos 4-Season-Salad Pizza (I just made that up before you try ordering one).
So, Subway is subpar on this occassion. I forgive them though - but only this once mind. I notice that the “pizza sub” adverts don’t seem to be around anymore so perhaps they’ve learnt their lesson. Wankers. At least they aren’t as bad as Dominos but that’s another story.
In other news, I’ve used up todays “fucking” quota in just this one article. Fuck it.
