Tuchuk Embarrasses A Fatty; Watches The Grand Prix
I’m sat in a pub, waiting for the Grand Prix to start & I’m talking to some Randoms in a way that only blokes can when discussing sport. I.e. We talking like we know it all but chances are the sum of our knowledge concerning Formula 1 Grand Prixs comes from listening to the commentators and / or making shit up.
So here’s the transcript of the interesting part of the conversation:
Tuchuk: “I could drive one of these, these drivers are fuckin’ pussies. It’s a piece of piss - pedal to the metal, never touch the fuckin’ brakes man.” (yeah, yeah, I’d been on the Stella).
Random1: “I bet you could mate, but I’d wager Hamilton could outsmart you a touch, that man has some talent. When he’s not spinning it off the track like a twat anyway.”
Tuchuk: “OK, I’ll give you that, maybe Hamilton COULD beat me but I’d be there on the podium - fuckin’ guaranteed.”
Random2: “You’re talking out of your arse man! I bet you this shiny 50 pence piece you’ve never even been in a go-kart!”
Tuchuk: “Fuck you man! I have so, I made one when I was a kid out of double-sided sticky tape & empty washing up liquid bottles!”
[Everyone chuckles]
Tuchuk: “Seriously, I might not be able to beat any of them but those cars aren’t that difficult to drive. Of course my mother wouldn’t even be able to get the fucker off the line.”
Random Politically Correct Feminist 40 Something (Stone as well as age) Ugly Faced Po Eyed Bitch: “EXCUSE ME!”
Tuchuk: “You’re excused. What did you do - fart or something?”
[Snickers in background]
Random Politically Correct Feminist 40 Something (Stone as well as age) Ugly Faced Po Eyed Bitch: “I’m a feminist & I find it insulting & derogatory that you think women wouldn’t be good racing drivers. In fact, there are MANY women that race cars very successfully. I’m sure your mother would be offended by you suggesting…”
Tuchuk (cutting in): “Finished?”
Random Politically Correct Feminist 40 Something (Stone as well as age) Ugly Faced Po Eyed Bitch: “You have NO MANNERS!”
Tuchuk: “Yawn” (Yes I actually said the word)
Random Politically Correct Feminist 40 Something (Stone as well as age) Ugly Faced Po Eyed Bitch: (now red in the face with anger) “What makes you think your mother couldn’t race a car? Got a smart answer to that? No, you don’t do you?”
Tuchuk: “Difficult to race a car when you’re dead.”
[Embarrassed silence]
Random Politically Correct Feminist 40 Something (Stone as well as age) Ugly Faced Po Eyed Bitch: “Oh, well I’m sorry!”
She then wanders off probably to spend some time justifying herself to herself.
Tuchuk: “She didn’t let me finish…like I was saying….my mother is dead ugly. Ugly can’t drive cars, every fucker knows that.”
[Howls of laughter]
Tuchuk has made people laugh. He is happy.
Note: Typing this sober, it doesn’t seem as funny as it did at the time. So if you didn’t find the above amusing, go down some beers then read it again.
[UPDATE: If you watched the Grand Prix then I want you to know that I wouldn't have pussied out on that first corner - I'd have had Kovalainen in the kitty litter]
