Tuchuk Indulges In A Spot Of Road-Rage
Early (by my standards) the other morning I was driving a motorbike along the M27. Matrix signs started warning of queues ahead - not a problem when on the bike. The queue started on the M27 & continued onto the M3. I happily filtered through the traffic which was virtually at a stand still so massive mental concentration wasn’t required.
Before I continue, let me explain the concept of “filtering” on a motorbike when travelling on a motorway. The concept is simple - move the bike to the white line between lanes 2 and 3. Drive between the stationary lanes of traffic. This is easier said than done though. The biker that enjoys living must continuously concentrate on the traffic. It only takes one cage-driver to think “Oh, space in lane 2 and it’s moving quicker!” just as you are passing & you have a broken bike / leg / hand / arm or worse. You know the sort of driver - think & swerve. It happens so a biker has to be aware & very watchful. I’m looking for a number of things such as wheels turning, eyes in the mirror, space for a car to move into and so on. The benefits of filtering are obvious: I get to keep moving rather than stop / start. I also get to the front of queue quicker resulting in less journey time or I get to see what has caused the hold-up.
Mostly, cage-drivers are bike aware & those in lane 3 will automatically be to the right hand side of their lane so that I can pass. Some will see me coming & move out of the way in time. Some are just thick & I have to manoeuver round them. Just occasionally…as in very occasionally, I will come across a complete gimlet (Dictionary definition: A small boring tool).
Anyway, today I came across a gimlet. Four lanes of stationary traffic & a 4 by 4 driving gimlet decides if everyone else is being held up then so should I. He sees me approach from behind & moves to the left bumping over the catseyes. The car in lane 2 moves to the left so I have room. Gimlet moves further left. I’m now wary - I’m not indestructible after all. I move to the right & attempt to around the other side of the 4 by 4 but he blocks me. It is now clear that he is intentionally stopping me from passing. I can’t fight this in case he takes that attitude that some retards take: “Ooh, I have a perceived right-of-way so I can risk causing an accident!”. I head left, filter between lanes 1 & 2. I move back to lanes 2 & 3. I’m now in front of the 4 by 4.
I continue my journey without incident.
Hah! Spot the lie! This is Tuchuk we are talking about here and I’m an asshole at the best of times!
I stop the bike a few car lengths in front.
I put the bike on it’s side stand.
I reach into my pannier.
I remove a yoghurt carton from my lunch box.
I walk back to the 4 by 4.
Driver is avoiding eye-contact.
All the other drivers are looking at me.
My stage is set. I am ready. Road-rage time is at hand.
I raise his windscreen wipers.
I squeeze the yoghurt carton & yank my arm so it flies all over the windscreen.
I am amused. The other drivers are laughing. I walk back to the bike, I hear a voice: “Nice one mate!”. I see a woman clapping. I bask in my adulation. I have a huge shit-eating grin from ear to ear for the rest of my journey.
Today was worth getting up for.
