Communications Between England & India Are Attempted But Fail

By | 02/07/2006

[Note: See the Cold Callers page for an explanation of what these posts are all about.]

WT: Wolf Tuchuk
CC: Cold Caller

I really don’t mind Indian call centres.
What I mind is speaking to people that can’t understand my point or can’t explain themselves properly.
If you don’t want something straightforward then you’re screwed.
Also, if you move off the script you’re screwed:

WT: “I have the choice of doing this or this.”
CC: “No sir, you cannot have this choice! It is not possible!”
WT: “Look pal, it fucking is. Did you hear a fucking question mark? I KNOW, so do it or get someone else to do it that can – alright?”
CC: “I’m sorry sir, I doughn unnerstand.”
WT: “No fucking shit, do you understand ‘Close my account’?”

You have to give these guys credit though – they speak more more English than I speak their language.
However, there is excuse whatsoever for lying to me:

CC: “Hello Sir! My name is Carl! What can it I be doing for you today sir?!”
WT: “You’re kidding me right?”
CC: “No sir! I am able to help you today!”
WT: “Don’t lie to me man, your name isn’t Carl is it?”
CC: “Yes sir, that is my name. How is it that I can help you today?”
WT: “Well if your name is Carl then my name is Jane – and that’s a girls name! C’mon! Don’t lie to me man, your name isn’t Carl it’s Gupta or Amit or whatsisface out of Corrie! Go on, level with me, it isn’t Carl is it – you just made that up, you gonna be Dave to the next caller?! C’mon! You do know my name after all!”
CC: “Sir, I must tell you the truth, Carl is not my name but I must have to tell you that, it is orders. Here, we are all called Carl!”

What a top bloke eh! That one can work in my call centre any day of the week, the rest are lying ass dogs.

Anyway:

CC: [Speed reading a script he doesn’t understand and with poor grasp of the Queens English] “…OK?”
WT: “Yes, I’m fine all things considered. Touch of arthritis and acid stomach but otherwise I think that I am going very well. And how are you?”
CC: “Mr Tuchuk, did you like my offer?”
WT: [resisting the urge to develop the suggestive question!] “Well, I didn’t really catch it all.”
CC: “Let me repeat it.” [Does so at the same fast speed.]
WT: “I’m awfully sorry, but you are gabbling & I cannot really make out what it is you are saying.”

Click….Bzzzz….