Those that know me, know that I have many friends. Imaginary friends. They are actually real people but I imagine that are my friends.
Contrary to popular belief though, I do actually have a mate, his name is MoFo. When I woke this morning I had 2 voicemail messages from him:
Voicemail number 1: “Nunchukas!”
Voicemail number 2: “6!”
Tuchuk is confused.
I call MoFo. I ask him what the fuck he is on about. He tells that he was drunk last night (I inform him that this is his normal waking state). He tells me he had a sudden episode of reality.
Allow me to explain MoFo’s concept of reality. He has “epiphanies” when drunk. To him these are deadly serious. To everyone else they are amusing. One in particular springs to mind that should explain sufficiently: We were drinking & bored. Bored of each other, bored of conversation, bored of the pub we were in, just bored. So he was in a bad mood. I didn’t care, I was drinking, I don’t get bored drinking. Every few minutes he would throw a random insult at me “Cunt”, “Wanker” etc. All of a sudden a huge grin split his fat face & he announced to the whole pub (that would be me & the barmaid) “I AM IMMORTAL!”. He was incredibly pleased by this revelation. I questioned him “How the fuck do you come that conclusion?”. “Well,” he starts “I’m not dead yet so therefore I cannot die!”. “Am I immortal?” I counter. “No” he says, “but think about the amount of retarded fucked up shit I’ve done in my time – no-one should be alive after all I’ve done!”. So that’s that then: MoFo is immortal.
Anyway, back to last nights “epiphany”. Turns out he had the sudden realisation that he could predict the next question people would ask him so called a number of people to give them the answers to their next questions.
I point out that my first question to him was “What the fuck are you on about?” to which his reply would have been “Nunchukas”. He points out that this is a perfectly valid answer. AHA! Snookered! I point out that if that was the correct answer then why did he answer differently to the question? He blathers on like a retard & is clearly not detracted from his new-found question-mind-reading-all-know-super-powers.
So I ask him how many questions he answered correctly, specifically those along the lines of “Why the fuck are you calling me at 3 am?”.
He hung up.